The "Gifted" has nothing to do with intellect or aptitude, but kids who learn from a very early age that their role is to fill their parents needs -- to please/protect/take care of them, to hide what is wrong, to make excuses, to say "they mean well."

That really opened my eyes to a few things. For one, she talked about little children who were so hurt that they shut off all emotion - "little stone children" - and that was me, until the crisis that broke me open so badly that I was able to listen to the message in When Things Fall Apart.

As for the guilt… I had tremendous amounts of guilt. My mother used to beat me, and when I got big enough, I started to hit back. She became really mentally ill as I grew up, because she always chose to be a victim, and though she was still mean and abusive, she was also weak and helpless -- so naturally I hated myself for my lack of control as much as I hated her for abusing me. I moved out at 15 and change because I was quite sure I'd either kill her, or myself.

I also hurt (emotionally) other people when I was growing up because I was so torn and broken, and that tortured me for years.

The only thing that helped me was When Things Fall Apart.

In short, the lesson is this: Learn to practice compassion for every person. To be human is to be deeply flawed. Everyone is deeply flawed - and so everyone deserves a shot at redemption, or at least forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't only help the person forgived -- that almost doesn't matter, but it helps the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness also doesn't mean you let them hurt you more, but that you recognize that they are weak, scared, flawed, and hurting, no matter how horrible their exterior is... and that's really the default state of humanity.

If you realize that about other people… and you practice compassion and forgiveness for them… then you realize that you, too, are only human, deeply flawed, and worthy of redemption and forgiveness. Then you practice compassion and forgiveness for yourself.

Here's an excerpt from When Things Fall Apart, one that particularly struck a chord with me - one I will never forget:

It's as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror's there; it's showing "you", and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That's being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away.

That is the essence of lovingkindness meditation. And it really, honestly, works. I can admit now all the bad things I've done… it still hurts a little, but it's nothing like the overpowering guilt, shame and self-hatred I felt for myself before. I can talk about it in public, like here, and stand tall, even though I know people will judge me and hate me for it.

I'm sorry your living situation is so tenuous.

Please email me at amy @ slash7 com and I'll send you the MP3s of the Pema Chodron book. Nobody has to know you have them. And I'm sure Pema Chodron herself would approve of me sending them to you.