Your experiences chime with my own, as another woman with just over 10 years of experience - especially the part about being afraid to ask questions. This extends to being afraid to try new tasks, take on new projects, or even just ask for critiques of my code, all of which I know are important in this line of work. Obviously these fears are not solely experienced by women, but I think there are some feedback loops which are particularly likely to lead women into this rut.
As an example, after university I discovered that when I'd been struggling alone to do my assignments and assuming all the guys were just finding it easy, all the guys were going round to each other's rooms, hanging out together, discussing work and looking at each other's code. They didn't think to invite me, possibly out of fear that I'd misinterpret it as a date or that I'd ruin the boys' club atmosphere, and I rarely asked them about work for fear of looking like I wasn't up to their level.
While it's not quite so obvious in the workplace, there's still some of that going on over lunchbreaks, after work or in impromptu meetings. And once you've been unintentionally out of that loop for so long, it's very hard to feel confident enough to ask people for a quick primer in what they're doing, because you feel like the only one who doesn't already know. Again, not intentional and by no means exclusive to women, but as a woman in a mostly-male workplace you are automatically something of an outsider and that can be hard to shake off, especially when trying to shake it off could get you labelled as "pushy", something women are generally socialised not to be.
"As an example, after university I discovered that when I'd been struggling alone to do my assignments and assuming all the guys were just finding it easy, all the guys were going round to each other's rooms, hanging out together, discussing work and looking at each other's code. They didn't think to invite me, possibly out of fear that I'd misinterpret it as a date or that I'd ruin the boys' club atmosphere, and I rarely asked them about work for fear of looking like I wasn't up to their level." - this x1000. It doesn't help when you're attending a super competitive CS program with a bunch of people who seem (or give the appearance of) knowing everything. I'm not saying they really could have done anything about it, or it's anyone's fault I felt excluded. In fact, it was entirely my fault I did all my group assignments alone; had I overcome my introversion, I have no doubt I would have gotten friendly responses. However, I think CS is going to be attractive for a higher proportion of introverted people than not. How do we make those environments friendlier to sensitive outsiders like this? It's not an easy problem to solve.
As an example, after university I discovered that when I'd been struggling alone to do my assignments and assuming all the guys were just finding it easy, all the guys were going round to each other's rooms, hanging out together, discussing work and looking at each other's code. They didn't think to invite me, possibly out of fear that I'd misinterpret it as a date or that I'd ruin the boys' club atmosphere, and I rarely asked them about work for fear of looking like I wasn't up to their level.
While it's not quite so obvious in the workplace, there's still some of that going on over lunchbreaks, after work or in impromptu meetings. And once you've been unintentionally out of that loop for so long, it's very hard to feel confident enough to ask people for a quick primer in what they're doing, because you feel like the only one who doesn't already know. Again, not intentional and by no means exclusive to women, but as a woman in a mostly-male workplace you are automatically something of an outsider and that can be hard to shake off, especially when trying to shake it off could get you labelled as "pushy", something women are generally socialised not to be.